My kids know, when they come to me,
That my advice is always free
In any situation
I just look them in the eye
I say “Life is short, so buy some stilts
In this time frame, there’s no place for gilt”
And in exasperation
They say, “Why, Dad, why?”
And I’m the perfect dad ‘cause I’m a grown man
What I mean, my jokes are bad, they make you groan, man
I’m not as smart as I hope I sound,
No, I’m the biggest dope around
Acting like I’m so profound,
But I’m just blowing smoke
And when I open up my mouth you’re gonna hear another dad joke.
In the car, wherever we go,
I bring the oars, ‘cause I’m on the “rowed”
And we can only snack when I’m driving slow; when I speed up, that’s a fast
And when we drive by a fueling station,
My family knows the situation
They roll down all the windows, ‘cause I’m passing gas
I’m the perfect dad ‘cause I’m a grown man
What I mean, my jokes are bad, they make you groan, man
You say I’m a bad influence
But I know that you’re mad into this
Got a whole band of miscreants
Ruing every word I spoke
‘Cause when I open up my mouth you’re gonna hear another dad joke.
This way of life you can’t unlearn
No stone or phrase goes unturned
I unearth the mirth, no fun spurned
My wires, juices, they hum, churn
See I’ve been infected by the pun germ
Unasked, unwelcome, unearned
So when my boy says, “Dad, you’re some nerd”
I get the SPF, ‘cause that’s a son burn
My first aid humor’s unstoppable
Ointment jokes are always topical
And you just need some Irish aspirin to build a Pill O’Fort
And when my kids go out with all their friends
Well their embarrassment never ends
‘Cause when they say they’ll be home around ten-ish
I say “Tennish? Why, that’sh my favorite shport!”
I’m the perfect dad ‘cause I’m a grown man
What I mean, my jokes are bad, they make you groan, man
When it comes to puns, I make the most
The ones that make your head shake the most
Like the Virginia settlers built acorn boats
So they could row-an-oak
Yes, when I open up my mouth you’re gonna hear another dad joke.
No there’s never any doubt, there’s gonna be another dad joke.
East, west, north, or south, you know I compass up a dad joke.
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